“The first occasion of your child telling a lie is not an occasion to be alarmed but an occasion for celebration”― Dr Kang Lee, Wall Street Journal.
A mound of toilet paper was piled up in the bathroom. “Did you do this?” I could hear the annoyance building up in my friend’s voice. His
Not convinced? I’ll show you why.
WHY YOU SHOULD CELEBRATE THEIR FIRST LIE
It is against your instincts as a parent. You want to teach them wrong from right and help them to grow up happy. You also don’t want them to get into trouble for lying. When they lie in front of you that’s one thing. You can try and correct them and teach them why its wrong. When they lie in front of others and strangers, that gets embarrassing. It feels like their lies reflect on your ability as a parent. People will think that you aren’t teaching them to value honesty and the truth.
That is not the case. All children at this age begin to develop their social skills. It’s part of the normal development of their brain. That’s why you should be celebrating their first lie. It shows that they have a new found understanding of the thoughts and feelings of the people around them.
You don’t want to encourage lying of course. You can help to reduce the amount that they lie and try to stop it altogether for serious lies.
If you are worried about their lying…
It is important to discuss what I have found to be the most useful techniques that help reduce the amount your
11 SIMPLE WAYS TO HELP THEM GROW OUT OF LYING
1. Reality Vs Fantasy:
The most important conversation to have with your
A great opportunity to help them practice knowing fantasy VS reality
Another good opportunity is through their imaginary friends if they have any. You can point out all the things that your child can do, that their imaginary friends can’t. Your child can eat their dinner, they can talk to friends, they can hug and kiss mummy and daddy. Imaginary friends can pick up their favorite toy.
2. Tell them stories that remind them that lying is bad:
Stories are powerful and have an amazing way of influencing the way your child acts
My favorite story to teach your
The story of the boy who cried wolf is an excellent way to get them to realize on their own that lies can get them into trouble. It makes clear that if you tell a small lie that you think is harmless. Then that small lie can grow into a big problem that could end up being far worse.
3. Make honesty important in your family:
Children take in and copy far more than we generally realize. They are constantly learning, from when they wake up to when they go to bed. They study you and the rest of your family to see how you deal and cope with everyday problems and issues. When a child sees you tell a lie, they may decide to take that behaviour as a lesson. When they see their older brother or sister lie about stealing a cookie, they might decide that they will try that in the future.
Make a point in your family to always be honest with each other. You might have to take a look at some of those seemingly innocent lies being told in front of your
4. Become a role model for your little one:
As I mentioned in the previous point, you may want to look at the little “white” lies you tell
Try to make a point of it. Try to let go of always being right in front of your children. I try to own up to mistakes and say sorry when I think it’s the right thing to do. Children are great at looking
Become a role model for the rest of your family, be strict with yourself on honesty. This will inspire them to follow in your path and they will hopefully start to pick up on your improvements and want to be just like you.
5. Give them the benefit of the doubt:
An important way to promote trust in your family is to give them the benefit of the doubt when it’s not clear that they have lied. I know it is not the usual way of dealing with a child when you can be almost sure that they have lied. You will find situations where you just can’t prove what they are saying is true or not. In those situations give them the benefit of the doubt and trust them.
There will be plenty of other opportunities to teach them about how bad lying is. You will have times when you know for definite that your child is lying. That is the time to have that discussion with them and try and help them to see their error. If you try to punish them for something that you may think is a lie but is actually true, this will have a negative effect on their trust with you. This could lead to them lying more frequently. Making the
The opportunity to teach them about lying will come along, don’t feel that you need to tell them off every time they do.
6. Try not to get angry:
If you are sure that your 3 year old has told a lie. Make sure to stop, keep calm and try to think about how you will approach the situation. It’s too easy to get angry, feel hurt and betrayed and wonder where they are learning this bad behaviour from. Remember that it’s a normal part of growing up and nothing to be ashamed of. With your help, they will grow out of it. They will also learn the important lesson of honesty. This will last them for the rest of their lives.
Plan your response beforehand. Don’t wait until the moment that you have discovered their lie to decide what to do about it. That will lead you to make a poor decision. If you decide before on how to handle the situation, you will be calm when it does happen. Your
7. Give them chance to reconsider:
I think that this is the most useful tip. I use it all the time. When you discover their lie, take them to one side, talk to them calmly and ask them the following types of questions. (for example):
- “Would you like to think about what you said again?”
- “Sometimes we can get mixed up, it’s ok, are you sure that what you said happened?
- “It’s ok that you have remembered that slightly wrong, so what actually happened?”
The key point to remember is that I am not accusing them of lying. I am reassuring them, then asking them to reconsider if they would like to tell the false version again. I have found that many times, they will change their story and drop the lie.
This avoids the label of liar and any nasty situations where feelings can easily get hurt.
8. Try to not to give them the opportunity to lie:
I know that sometimes I find myself trying to catch them in the act so I can make a point out of correcting their behavior. I now know that this is the wrong way. You might do this too. Have a think, if you have ever asked a question like:
“So did you draw on the wall in the nursey?”
Asking a question like the one above gives your child the opportunity to lie. You don’t want to turn the situation into an intensely dramatic one where they confess and own up. Most 3 year old’s will find situations like that stressful and the temptation to lie will be strong. We want to help them learn to make the right choice not stress them out. The lie helps them escape this stressful situation for a moment.
A better way you could try to deal with a situation like the one above is by saying:
“So you have drawn on the wall in the nursery, that’s not acceptable, let’s both go and see if we can clean it off together”
An answer like this lets them know that what they did was wrong but it also reassures them that you will help to try and put it right. It doesn’t dangle the temptation to lie in front of them. It gives them a way to make up for the mistake they made and hopefully to learn from it.
If the lies that your
When a child lies in this way it is because they crav positive attention. Maybe they are feeling that they are not getting enough or maybe they enjoy it and want more. The way to stop this kind of lying is simple.
Give them more positive attention for the things they do in life. This will mean they will seek it less from making up fantasy stories. Bragging can be a way that your child tries to build their self esteem. If they are praised for the good things that they already do, they won’t feel the need to boost their self esteem from bragging.
10. Never label your child as a liar:
It can be an easy mistake to make. If they have told a lie, then they are a liar. The problem is that, as a
11. Telling the truth is good:
Put the emphasis on telling the truth
We don’t want to constantly remind them about negative experiences they’ve had and mistakes they’ve made. This will hurt their self esteem. Build up their self esteem with positive reinforcement and watch their emerging character get stronger. You will be proud of the adult they become.
LYING AT AN EARLY AGE MIGHT MAKE YOUR CHILD GIFTED
A study by Dr K Lee says that lying in 3 year olds is part of their normal social development. It says that learning to lie is an important developmental milestone. It shows that your child has reached the next stage of their journey into developing their social skills. If a child starts to lie at 2 years old for example. This would be earlier than normal.
A child’s ability to lie is closely related to their intelligence in a positive way. The earlier a child lies, the more intelligent they tend to be. Gifted children lie earlier than their friends.
The ability to lie convincingly is a difficult thing for a toddler to do. It takes social awareness and intelligence. Your child has to understand what someone else might be thinking. Others thoughts and feelings are a complex subject to a child at that age. Children who lie earlier than their friends tend to have a better time making friends in the playground, they can understand others thoughts and feelings better than other children.
WHY WOULD MY CHILD LIE TO ME?
Please don’t take your child’s lies personally. It’s not an indication that they are going to be naughtier than any other child. It is a completely normal part of growing up as I hope I have proven in the previous section.
Kids can lie for any number of reasons, some of them might surprise you. I think it is important to understand these reasons. If you do, then I think you will be more understanding towards your child when you do catch them lying.
Reasons why they might lie:
- They might be lying to stay good. When you ask any child if they are “good” they always reply “yes”. That is how they see themselves, they try their best. Growing up is hard and confusing. When they do something that they regret, they may lie to try and stay “good” in your eyes. Make sure to reassure them that everyone makes mistakes. It’s how we deal with them that is important.
- To avoid punishment: If the punishment is harsh in your family for lying then they may lie just to try and avoid it. Make sure that any punishment is matched to how serious the lie was. At 3 years old they don’t always fully understand why they are being punished, so make it clear why they are being punished and how they can act in the future to stop it happening again.
- They struggle with truth Vs fantasy: At 3 years old, children’s imagination can be so strong that they can sometimes wish something so hard that it becomes true to them. They might regret making a mess for example, so they wish hard that they didn’t do it. They then might struggle to tell the difference if they did or not.
- Their memory isn’t perfect: A
3 year olddoesn’t have a perfect memory. If they got into a fight with a sibling, for example, they might forget who hit who first in the heat of an argument. They might truly believe they are innocent even if you saw how it started. In those cases, it’s better to give the benefit of the doubt and wait for clearer cut incidents to make an example of their behavior and help them learn their lesson.
Although we might think that lying is pretty black and white in terms of good and bad. I think I’ve made it clear in this article that it isn’t. It’s a complex subject that our little
If your child has started to lie a little earlier than their friends, I think you should take the test to see if they show signs of being gifted or not.