This is why your 3-year-old doesn’t listen to you

“Successful parenting” has been the popular talk for generation after generation, yet, no effective theory has been discovered. When you become a parent you must all have heard the saying that parenting is a blessing in disguise, it is the best feeling in the world right? Well, it is, no doubts, it is the best. But, what others don’t mention is that sometimes parenting also is a test of patience and sanity of the parents. It is about numerous hypotheses, experimenting with multiple strategies and discoveries. Because just like each child is different and you can not combine them, parenting works differently too. It varies from one to another in terms of context but more or less I am sure the feeling is the same. 

Children of all ages have a hard-wired requirement of power. They like to be in-charge of themselves, what to do, what to wear, what to eat, and so on. When they do not see their power to be exerted in a positive direction, they start to behave negatively. Here in this article, we are going to explore some of the reasons why your 3 years old doesn’t listen to you and get some effective way-outs on how you can handle the situation in an efficient way.  

When 3 years old says ‘ NO’, be consistent 

If you are the parents of a three-year-old, you must be aware of that feeling when you are trying to say something to make a point and it all assimilates in thin air like the smoke of an incense stick. For example, nowadays making 3 years old to understand the value of safety precautions that involves constant handwashing, sanitizers, and masks. Believe me, I have been there, I know. More I convince my 3 years old to wash hands, use sanitizers and masks for personal safety; the common answer most of the time I get either a ‘ NO’ or ‘WHY’. You can imagine the number of times I get to hear it. 

Now, there might be many reasons to describe this behavior. Maybe it is because of their short concentration span or it is a heavy subject for them to relate to. They do not know how important personal safety is yet, they would rather be messy and see what you have to say about it. No matter what, it is challenging for the parents to get the situation in control. In this kind of situation, being strategic and consistent works wonders. If you are consistent with your answer every time you are being asked ‘WHY’ or ‘NO’, the answer might have an impact after all. The kid will slowly try to grasp the point that you are willing to make.  

When 3 year old is out of control, offer choices

Let me tell you an incident that happened to me a few months back, I woke up one morning and saw my bundle of joy in his full active form jumping and screaming on the bed doing all kinds of aerobics you can possibly imagine. In one way, I was in awe of his flexibility on the other, I was scared that he might get hurt. So, I told him to be careful and do it on the floor mat. So that he won’t fall or get hurt. The consequence of this statement was exactly the opposite. In his interpretation, I encouraged him to do more challenging stunts. So, he continued the whole practice with more energy and power with occasional laughs. This time again, I repeated my statement, but all in vain. 

It is normal that at this age their life is full of adventure and fun. Their mind is not yet prepared to understand the role of cause and effect. They live on a spree of exploration and fun.

So, even though in my mind, I was feeling a bit of rage growing; in reality, I modified my reaction. I acknowledged what he was doing at first and told him that if he performs on the floor mat, I would join him. This simple choice offering had an immediate effect. He came down from the bed on the mat and then, we had a great time together testing each other’s flexibility.

When 3 years old hit you, be gentle to prevent the behavior 

It is very common these days I have heard parents complaining about how their toddlers hit them and start laughing. I know it sounds horrible, but again, it is not something they do with full understanding. For them, it is a game to play or a way to express their discomfort. They obtain only certain basic emotions at this age and they learn how to express those emotions by exploring.

If you are in a situation similar to this, the first thing to do is to reflect on the reason that might have triggered this action. Some experts say that this kind of behavior can be caused by fear. So, be alert and gentle when handling a situation like this. If you feel that your child is in a bad mood, be on your guard and try to prevent the negative action. Employ kindness and talk to the child. If they feel safe around you, they will calm down and share their side of the story. Help them to engage in dialogues and tell them that their behavior hurts you and you do not appreciate it. If you become hostile or angry, it will only have a negative impact. But if you be patient and repeat your thoughts, they will eventually get over this behavior. 

When 3 years old starts nagging, apply “Asked and Answered” 

Children are the most persistent creature in the world. They know what they want and they do not give up unless they get it. It is a common supermarket scenario where your child starts nagging to get a toy or a box of candy she liked at the shop. She keeps insisting on you by pleading, making a scene, crying out loud until you break down and give it to her. It does not matter how many times you tell her not to, it happens the same way on the next visit to the supermarket all over again. It sometimes feels like they recognize the moments of vulnerability amongst their parents and wait to pounce at the right moment. 

The question that arises here is why do they nag? According to child experts, it is a common behavior that can be picked up at any age. As a parent, if you continue to cave and let them have what they want, this behavior will sustain. Lynn Lott, a trainer of Adlerian Psychology offers a solution. It contains three simple words “Asked and Answered”. 

It is a simple concept, when your child says that he would like to buy a particular toy at the supermarket, and gets a ‘no’ for an answer, he is going to try it again with a ‘pleeeease’. So that you understand the tone and get his point that he really wants it. At this moment, you can either repeat your answer and get into more trouble or just say “Asked and Answered”. You do not need to say another word. But for this trick to be effective, you need to be consistent. You need to stick to your answer and walk away. Once your child realizes that there is no point of discussion, they will know that nagging is not going to be effective to reach their goal.   

When 3 years old starts misbehaving, redirect the child’s attention  

What would you do if your 3 years old starts to spit out the food that you made for her?  The most common reason for this kind of reaction is that maybe they do not like the taste of the food or they might not be hungry.

What would you do if your 3-year-old starts to throw and break things? The reason behind this kind of behavior might be that they are very upset with something or someone.  

Children are independent beings, even when they are just 3 years old, they know it. If they are misbehaving, as a parent it is important to figure out the reason behind it. They may be bored or irritated. Put yourself in your child’s shoes and attune the reason behind that behaviour. Why she won’t eat or why is she throwing tantrums. It is important to tailor the consequences appropriately. When as a parent, we understand the root cause of a behaviour, we can meet their needs and get a long-term healthy behaviour. You can redirect the child’s attention by making eye contact and apply non-verbal directives. Or you both can take a break for a while and talk about something else like a funny story or something. 

Every household that has a toddler or child of any age for that matter has seen these kinds of scenarios played out more than once. You ask your child to do something calmly and rationally and instead of action, you find no response. You keep wondering whether he heard you or not. So, you repeat, the result stays still the same. This repetitive behavior leads to frustration and anger on your part. But, for long term effect is not good if you react in a negative way. The best solution to this is to figure out the reason why he or she is not listening. Because ‘not listening’ is just a symptom and not the actual problem. To get hold of the actual problem, you need to address the root.